Depression & CRPS

   I have something I want to talk about that has also been a significant challenge in my life. I’ve been down this road before when I was in high school, but things are different this time. Somewhat worse, somewhat better. It's something we don't ask for, but can take over & ruin your life completely if it gets bad enough. Some believe if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. Too often it is judged like society judges an addiction, like it's something we should be able to stop at any time or learn to control. Believe it or not, it is a disease. And like a disease, it is only understood through education & awareness."IT" is the taboo subject of:

                            DEPRESSION

    If you’re reading, thank you, because this road is a long one…The truth is, I was in denial for a long time, but I have a problem. I cannot help it, I didn’t ask for it, but I got it. It’s called DEPRESSION. I have very severe panic / anxiety attacks, and it effects my whole body. It hurts, emotionally and physically. I also have a sleeping disorder. All of the above have been made worse since I developed CRPS. In fact, I hadn't had any issues with the above mentioned in years until the CRPS. Now each day I have to try to keep positive, calm myself down when the attacks hit & hope that the medicine I'm on continues to help.

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Here's some definitions I dug up to help accustom you with the basics…

CLINICAL DEPRESSION:
A depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected. Depression is a medical illness that involves the mind and body. It affects how you feel, think and behave. Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply "snap out" of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure

PANIC / ANXIETY ATTACKS:

The main symptom is an overwhelming feeling of fear or anxiety, along with physical reactions. The symptoms come on suddenly, often unexpectedly, and the intensity usually peaks within 10 minutes. While most symptoms fade within 30 minutes, it may take up to an hour for all the symptoms to go away completely. It is possible to have one attack after another in waves for an extended period of time, and it can seem like one continuous attack. Symptoms may include: Rapid breathing, shortness of breath, or feeling "smothered”,  pounding or racing heart or an irregular heartbeat, chest pain, tenseness, irritability, lightheadedness, sweating, choking feeling, nausea or an upset stomach, dizziness, shaking, or trembling, numbness or tingling, chills or hot flashes, fatigue or insomnia, fear that you are going to die, lose control, or "go crazy”, feelings of being detached from yourself or from reality. Another major symptom: persistent or severe fear or worry in situations where most people wouldn’t feel threatened. Anxiety attacks may be triggered by a specific action, such as drinking too much caffeine, or by a situation, such as being in a large crowd. Anxiety is the body's natural reaction to danger or being scared. They may also develop suddenly without a known trigger. Isolating yourself and avoiding social situations can interfere with your ability to work and your relationships, especially with your family members and close friends.

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   So now, I’m hoping some of you may have a new view on these disorders. At one point or another, I have experienced ALL of these symptoms. That’s a lot to deal with for anyone. One thing that I left out is that this is mostly genetic / hereditary. Unfortunately it runs back generations in my family. You don’t get to “pick and choose” what you’re given to deal with or get over in this area. It’s a “dealt and deal with” situation. I have learned that this is who I am, and I will not let it take over my life, but it gets hard sometimes. Sometimes I need to be around people, sometimes I need to be alone. It varies. I’m also used to have anger issues as well. Many with depression do as it's "not fair" for us to have this struggle. Even those of us with CRPS feel that way probably often. Sometimes our worries & stress just get the best of us & are too much to deal with. My biggest fear? Will I ever have relief from this severe daily pain called CRPS? Not knowing if I'll ever get better after so many failed treatments & procedures is terrifying. Between the constant pain, dozens of medications I’ve been on & continue changing, medical bills, constant doctor appointments, being unable to work resulting in only minimum SS disability payments, regular bills, wanting children more than anything & knowing I cannot any time soon, the stress my illness has on my husband… This barely scratches the surface for me, but it's overwhelming.

   One thing I've been told before is that "it’s all in your head". Sorry, but that’s the way it is. If someone ever tells you that, you don't need them in your life. If a doctor ever says that, never go back to them because they obviously don't know much about the subject. You can't always turn your thoughts off & ignore your worries or concerns. I try to stay busy or find something else to focus on when I get in one of my moods, but it takes practice. Depression doesn't just get better overnight, no matter what you do. Yes, there are medicines to help, but it doesn't just "fix" the problem. Depression is even harder to overcome when the underlying causes of it remains unchanged. Having an incurable disease is one of my causes. As my CRPS is permanent, so may the depression be permanent. They both can improve however. But no matter... that's ok! I will deal with it one day at a time like I do any other challenge. 

How else has depression affected me? 

   Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to cry until I have no tears left. Sometimes I ask God "why me?". I have hoped I didn't wake up the next morning, though I wouldn't do anything myself to cause it. I've felt like I was dying. I've almost blacked out from panic attacks & had to go to the hospital because of them. The attacks will also cause me to vomit sometimes & I won't eat for a day or two. I have gone through spurts where I don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. I've pushed people out of my life because of that. I lost enjoyment in things I used to love doing, such as being outdoors. I've felt like nothing matters anymore & therefore nothing will ever get better. All of these feelings are not uncommon for someone who has depression. But I haven't gotten stronger on my own by any means. I continue to see a Psychologist & I take medicine. I am Zoloft for my depression & I take Ativan when needed for the attacks. It took a while for the Zoloft to build up in my system & have a real effect, but the Ativan kicks in pretty quick, which is needed for the attacks. I've also had my dose of Zoloft increased multiple times to allow me to get the best result when I'm having a rough patch. I'm never happy to have that done, but I know sometimes it's needed. It's also taken me a long time to learn different techniques to help me get through the rough times & attacks. For depression, I do a few things. I call my husband; I watch something that will make me laugh or look at pictures I love. I think or happy things that will happen in the near future, like a trip or holiday. I write poetry to get my feelings out & sometimes I do cry. It's therapeutic & like my mom always told me, God gave you tear ducts for a reason! When I have an attack, it's key for me to lay down at the first onset of symptoms. It helps for me to grab a cold washcloth to put over my eyes too. I take slow deep breaths & wait for it to pass. If I fail to lay down right away, that's when things get really bad & I will get dizzy, vomit, shake horribly, have difficulty breathing, etc. I only take the Ativan when I don't lay down fast enough. It took me a long time to find what helped me get through these episodes & it was trial and error for awhile. Each person is different. You have to find what works best for you. A good support system is key as well. You need loved ones who understand your illness, will help talk you through things & not judge you. I'm grateful I have a family & husband that I can lean on.

Tips on how to talk to someone about their depression? 

(Can also be a good example for asking someone about their CRPS)

I don't want pity. Don’t apologize. Is it your fault? Am I depressed? Yes. But there is not one simple person / thing to blame for this. Lots of little things “build up” to create this monster. And when it all comes out, it usually does at once. So there's not a "simple" answer to as to why. It's vital to be understanding & supportive, not judgmental. Some people might be open with their struggle, while others might not want to talk about it. If they don't want to share, understand that it's nothing against you. Depression hurts & when we talk about it, it often leads to sad thoughts & painful topics. If someone talks openly about their struggle, feel special, because they trust you. It takes most people a while to open up about their battle with depression, especially before they're officially diagnosed. Though a touchy issue, it is also important to watch for signs of depression in loved ones. It will never be easy to tell someone you notice them suffering, but always remember it could save their life. I am not a doctor or healthcare professional, but I will give links below for sites to help you talk to someone, including if you or someone you know may be suicidal. (Everything stated above is of my own opinion, experience & research only.) Like every moment, this too shall pass. There is ALWAYS a reason to live & never a valid reason to take your life. I admitted there was a problem; I found treatment & I survived. You can too.

    I don’t want this to be taboo. Over 19 million Americans deal with these issues daily too. The first step is to admit there’s a problem. The second is to reach out. I pray if you are dealing with depression or panic / anxiety attacks, that you understand it's not your fault, just "in your head" or anything to be ashamed about. There is help available & there is hope. Never give up or give in. I always tell myself that I need to be thankful for what I don't have too, because somewhere, someone else is fighting a much harder battle. Thank you for reading. God Bless!

Suicidehotlines.com

Suicide Crisis Center

Supporting a loved one with depression

Self Help & Coping Tips for Depression 

Help for anxiety sufferers

Self Help for anxiety relief